October 25, 2014 0

Here’s the thing

By in Everyone and Everything, friends, from mexico, love

I meant to write a thanksgiving post about the many MANY things I am enormously grateful for but I missed the day and things have slowly drifted from me. But here I am now ready to write it up. And if you feel like I’ve somehow neglected to mention you, I apologize.

First, my parents. I can barely even think about how much they’ve done for me the last few years-hell, my whole life-without getting choked up. I love these guys. LOVE. All my heart and every cell in my body. They have been endlessly supportive and generous and caring. Even when I’m pretty sure I didn’t deserve it and when I didn’t act appreciative. I was a very difficult teenager and that really never ended. Anyone that can love me with no reservations after that has all my respect.

My sister, Megan. How is it even possible we haven’t lived in the same city for, what, 28 years?? That is some kind of bullshit. My sister is my mentor. Without going into any gritty details she created the path upon which i travel. Everything she did I did. She is magically amazing and has the best friends and deserves every single one of them.

Libs. This woman. Holy shit this woman. I look at her and have NO idea how she does what she does. She made me learn how to quilt and look at us now. So creative, so incredibly smart, so kind, thoughtful, patient, loving. Everything good should go her way because she is everything good.

My friends in Canada. Man. You guys? I fucking love you guys. So so so much. Michelle, you are incredible and I love everything about you and your beautiful, extended, family. Stefan, you make me laugh every day and you have more heart than almost anyone. Ashley you are a superwoman, no one could deny that, your endless energy and love fill me with good. Good. You and Scott and the chillins. Ryan OB, you are incredible, watching you grow and evolve every day is a joy, Amber is a lucky woman. Corrie and Ryan? Fuck off, I love you guys. 20 years man. And Marty, Gillian, Jill, Nicole, Marc, I think about each of you every day and how much love I have for all of you. My gosh, I surely wouldn’t be where I am without a single one of you.

My Cabo friends list is endless too. Warren and Sara my very best and least expected girlfriends. Kyle who made me realize I was on a negative path and forced me to switch gears. Bob and Jess, my alter parents, holy moly I love you guys. CJ who is my total rock here. Steph and Sam, you loved up jerks, you’re the best. Kathi, Wayne, I owe you. Nate, Rocio, Niko, Alex, Ali B, Benja, Carlos, Ryan, Sophie, Ava, you guys keep me sane.

This, THIS, is what I am grateful for. The unending love. I was so lost for so long and everyone I have mentioned has helped in some way to guide me back. Again, I realize I have a million other friends that I didn’t mention, you are not forgotten. Every single person that loves me is right here, with me, in my heart.

December 12, 2013 1

Visitors from outer space

By in Uncategorized

This past Saturday morning my friend and extremely talented hairdresser showed up here. Seeing her after 2+ months was a huge thrill! Steph was a big comfort to me after Shannon died, she’d been through a similar experience and was able to relate. She gave me lots of tough love and washed my hair for me twice a week. For free. My hair. That’s love.

She went home yesterday so it was a quick visit but we went hard, beach every day, beer every night. Ridiculous. Tuesday was particularly party town, 5 of us went to the beach with 36 beers and had the most fun ever. Home by 5, replenished the beer supply and had a party in mine and my neighbour’s homes. Dancing. I’m covered in bruises again.

I have another friend coming this week but I suspect it won’t be as out of control.

No words necessary on this picture.


November 11, 2013 2


By in friends, from mexico, love


There’s no denying it’s beautiful here. I went for a drive along the Pacific coast with a friend in his VW Thing yesterday. The goal was to end up at a beach where they release baby turtles. We did find it and paid the 60 pesos each to help (that’s about $5). The problem was that we got there on time at 11am but found out the actual important part, the release, doesn’t happen until 5pm when the sun starts setting. In between there were lots of kid geared activities, face painting and colouring, so we wandered the beach for a bit and then headed home. No swimming on that side for me, thanks, it’s a little rough for my taste. We did see a whale breach, probably a humpback.

A good day.

There’s been rain over the last couple months so it’s really green and lush right now. When I landed I actually wondered if I was at the right airport for a minute. It’s really beautiful and I’m glad I’m here.

Today the sky was perfectly clear, not a cloud anywhere, and the water matched. Blue and smooth. We hiked to the beach and took a well deserved swim. Well, that’s loose, I usually just float and try to clear my head. There’s a cruise ship in the harbor, so that means tourists.

I’m ok, getting better.

October 25, 2013 3

Checking In

By in food, friends, from mexico, Griping

First, to be super clear, I realize I don’t need a dog. It’s just that when one is put up on Craigslist for free and it’s spelled adorably incorrectly (“chiwawa”) the temptation is almost too overwhelming. No, I won’t contact them, but I want to, having a companion here would be very nice.

Not that it would be hard to find a regular companion here, haha. There are so many middle aged and older men that would love to have their way with me. I know it’s been written about many times before so I’m just adding to that pile (and less eloquently so) but let’s clear up some apparent misconceptions.

I get involuntarily fondled here a lot. Every day and often more than once a day. Yesterday it happened as I was waiting for fresh fruit to be cut up. A man sitting on the curb reached out and stroked my leg and asked if he could see my tattoos. Yes, I said, you can see them but you may not touch them. For real, this has to be said? Two days ago an American man did the same to my arm and then asked if I had tattoos all over, because that is his business, to know where I’m tattooed. Because I exist and he deserves to know. I am public property.

The worst happened the other evening, I’d gone to the local bar to see if anyone I knew was there and wound up standing outside chatting with the waiter. Out comes a man, he looked about 50+, balding, red face, Hawaiian shirt. He says to me in a rueful tone “god, a beautiful girl like you with those tattoos…” Message received, loud and clear, I wrecked my body for you. Oh gosh how I regret it, how I wish he’d saved me from enduring all that pain and spent a ton of money. Now I know I exist merely for his viewing pleasure. I did end up talking to him a bit, I have no pride, ok, and things went from bad to worse. He got very angry when I admitted I had no knowledge of the big fishing tournament that’s on right now. Like I give a shit about fishing. Or Sammy Hagar. Dude finally gave up and walked away, glaring at me the whole time.

TO BE CLEAR: I don’t want your revolting hands on me. I don’t give a flying fuck what your outdated and antiquated opinions on women with tattoos are. You are incredibly rude and in the future I might not be so nice about it. I haven’t decided yet if the next handsy asshole gets a slap or spat upon. I guess that’s up to my own discretion.

It’s not all bad here, of course. I have lots of friends and the city is full of interesting places to explore. I go to the beach every other day and float in the water. I’m practicing head stands because I think that’s a useful skill. I’m reading books again. It’s restful and chill and I’m feeling more like myself every day.


October 4, 2013 2


By in a good day, we have fun

My dad took me for a helicopter ride the other day, a first for both of us. It was way cool, zooming over the Niagara River, up to the falls.

Yes, I took that picture.

September 28, 2013 11

Dear Shannon,

By in love

I know I talk to you every day but today is big: it’s your 40th birthday. I wish you were here to celebrate with me. I’d have made you a cake and hugged you carefully and kissed you a lot. I’d lean in and inhale your ears and beard and feel safe and loved.

I know it goes without saying but I miss you like crazy. Every day. I know we talked often about the future, my future without you, but nothing, no conversation ever, could have prepared me for life on my own. It’s hard and lonely and I know now what a buffer you were between me and the real world. You’d be sad to know how divided the community you worked so hard to build has become divided. I guess it’s not that big a surprise really.

You’d be happy to know that I’m better friends than ever with people I’d lost touch with, people you loved and had faith in and that felt the same way about you. You’d be really thrilled to know that your artwork hangs all over the world and is cherished by so many people. I think you’d find peace with your mother. She has been so good to me, so very loving and supportive. Saira and Michael had their baby and he’s lovely. Ari’s future looks bright.

There’s so much every day I wish I could share with you, every bit of minutia that pops into my head. Silly stuff and real things, all of it. And I have so many questions for you, about everything.

I miss you buddy. I miss your love and strength and humour and drive. You will be a part of me forever, in my heart, mind, and soul. I see you in my dreams almost every night.

Thank you for all that you gave me and happy birthday today.



July 3, 2013 8

What I’m up to

By in caitlin's crap, daily grind

The easiest way to track me online is via instagram and/or twitter. My user name on both is notoriouscjt.

Briefly, I gave up the studio on May 31 and put everything in 9′x10′ storage. Everything? Hardly. I farmed out all the paintings, gave away tons of stuff, sold a few things, threw away everything else. I’m staying with my mom.

I went to Mexico for 2 weeks to relax and clear my head, it was nice and incredibly hot. Everyone I hung out with was cool and I will probably return in 2 months.

Not much else. I’m ok, somehow.


May 27, 2013 7

The Dresses

By in crochet, making stuff is good

As per request, the dresses. I apologize for the Instagramification of it all, but I’m 100% iPad these days and can’t be bothered to pay for the good photoshop app. I do not have a picture of #1 because it was a test run.

The pattern is called The Staple Dress, and it’s designed by April Rhodes. She’s amazing and awesome. I’ve fiddled it a bit to fit me better, I have a long torso and stubby legs, so I dropped the pockets 1 1/2″. I also just sew around, I’m not terribly great with patterns or instructions so I just sewed for armpit to hem, around the pockets, all in one swoop. I also did a blind hem on these three because its challenging and looks great.

#2 Made in a Libert Lifestyle print, the fabric washes up really nicely. It’s a little lighter than normal quilting cotton. I love this one, it’s classic and pretty. It has bright red print (also Liberty) pockets and neck/sleeve binding. I cut the neckline down an inch+ from the shoulder seams so my giant noggin would fit through better. I wear a size M, I’m almost 5’10″ and weigh 150lbs.

#3 Made in a feather print by Martha Negley. I made this one short, it’s just a top, because I only had so much fabric and I was having the itch to cut and sew. I like it, but no pockets.

#4 Made in a lovely Japanese style fish print. I got this fabric at a quilt store here in Toronto that I’d never been to before but the owner knew who I was, which made me laugh and feel at ease. I was just about to leave empty handed-I really wanted a yellow or pink staple-when I saw this print and went for it. The pockets and binding are a different colourway of the feather print, in mustard, because fish and feathers are poetic together. I LOVE this dress. The awesome part is that I started work on it quite early in the day and accidentally cut two fronts!! Ack! I made it work, though, just cut the front (front?) about an inch down and cut an extra long binding and it all worked out beautifully. Clearly a simple, perfect, pattern that works for my limited garment making skills!

Thank you April for making me think I can sew garments!

May 17, 2013 11

Sewing day

By in clothes, making stuff is good

So I finally got glasses. I had a pair years ago, picked while drunk and lost while drunk. They’d never been replaced because they were so expensive I thought all glasses were out of my financial reaches. So I asked for them for my birthday because reading was getting to be stupid.

That’s me, today.

I’m working on a dress for myself. It’s an easy pattern, the staple dress by April Rhodes who we met at camp, fell in love with, and I was tempted to kidnap her and take her home with me. Lord knows she is small enough. Anyway, my first one will be done soon.

I guess this was more about glasses than sewing.

May 12, 2013 11

Bad Endings

By in friends, love

This is all I’m going to write about the last 2 months.

A long time ago, 6 years, when I first got back together with Shannon, a lot of people weren’t terribly thrilled. My best friend at the time was particularly unhappy about it, she had been around during the first break up and she knew, deep down, that my relationship with Shannon would “end badly”. She said that out loud to my face. Such hurtful words that had haunted me since I heard them.

And how right she was, what a bad ending. Possibly the worst ending? I’m sure she’s proud, she sure told me.

She wins.

Anyway. It’s been really awful. I miss Shannon all the time, I miss his humour and love and stories about rockets and his smells. I miss his beard and his homoerotic tattoo. I miss finding beard hairs everywhere. I miss him constantly encouraging me to work hard, follow my dreams, and be strong. We are at the 8 week mark and I’m starting to heal but it ain’t easy. The apartment we shared is still full of art and all kinds of business that is just a constant reminder of him, day in, day out.

The good news is that I won’t be here forever. I’m no longer tied to this area because it’s close to the pharmacy that has his medicine. I’m no longer tied to this city because it’s where his doctors are. I can go anywhere, I can do anything, it’s a big, wide open world and it’s all mine. I don’t want to be the Yoko Ono to his John Lennon and I know that he wouldn’t have wanted that for me either.

Mostly I want to thank all the kind, generous, thoughtful, people out there. I have received so many beautiful emails, phone calls and visits from old friends and new, strangers, fans, family, artists and bodymod practitioners. And all the money donated to my paypal has gone into a trust fund for Ari, every penny. Her post secondary education is definitely covered savings are looking good. In my dreams she goes into science, researching genetic diseases, and finds a cure for all myopathies. Of course she can do whatever makes her happy, she is a Larratt, she will be successful at anything she tries. And she will be loved by everyone that comes near her, she’s a wonderful girl.

The list of individuals I need to thank publicly goes like this (and if I missed you, I apologize, my brain is still flying at half mast): mum, dad, Megan, Kathy, Devon, Ashleigh, Libs, Michelle, Saira, Michael, Kiran, Corrie, Ryan, Molly, Ryan, Amber, Marty, Ashley, Scott, Shane, Jovanka, Marc, Nicole, Gillian, Jill, Badur, Clive, Kerrick, J.J., Sheri, Jana, Jason, Chris, Dave, Therasa, Gillian, Julia, Stephanie1, Stephanie2, Abbie, Anna, Terri-Lyn, Joe, Danny, Jim, Trudy, Richard, Jill, Holly, Collen, V. The love and support, the groceries and drinks, the open ears and advice that you guys have given me is hugely appreciated. I love you all.