Category: haha

I live for this stuff

Posted by Caitlin Jane – 08/07/2010

Feverishly trying to prove myself smarter than a fifth grader on my DS last night, I came upon this question:

I realize it’s blurry, that is part of the charm of taking pictures in a hurry with a camera phone. Phone camera.  Anyway, it reads:

WHAT IN NOT A TYPICAL SYMPTOM OF A BROKEN BONE?

IN! No, not IS,  IN! Ha ha! That means that not only am I smarter than a fifth grader, I am also smarter than the person that wrote this game and every person after that tested it. And Jeff Foxworthy, for sure.

(The answer they were looking for-which I got wrong-was DIZZINESS-but I swear that if I broke a bone I’d experience dizziness.)

This also means I never have to play that stupid game again.

No kidding?

Posted by Caitlin Jane – 30/06/2010

A collective groan is heard across the universe:

Not quite as clever a headline as you’d see on fark, but almost.

Red shoes and fiaries

Posted by Caitlin Jane – 23/05/2010

Hot day here. I was wearing jeans until I practically melted.

We’re doing fireworks later, after the sun sets. There’s a mountain of them-I left the store so I wouldn’t hear the total bill-and I’m excited. At the firework store, which doubles as a costume store, I took this picture:

It’s wrong on pretty much every level. Politically AND spellingly.

Caitlin with a C

Posted by Caitlin Jane – 07/04/2010

I was watching Liza Minnelli’s live show, Liza with a Z, filmed in 1972-the year I was born. It was directed by Bob Fosse who was a genius when it comes to movement. Of course, I was loving it very much, it’s the music of my youth and it was Liza…I mean, LIZA! I was thinking “who wouldn’t love this?” then I felt the hate emanating from the other half of the couch. It was palpable, Shannon dislikes this sort of thing that much. He was practically cringing in misery. Out of sympathy I did change the channel, I can watch Liza do her thing any old time.

For real. Blackbird? Yes please.

Ring Them Bells? Don’t mind if I do.

Did I ever tell the story about the time my friend Igor, who at the time I’d known for 10 years,  suddenly said that despite the length of our friendship had no idea what kind of music I was into. It’s a touchy subject, really. If I flat out say Broadway musicals, people think I am crazy or kidding. And it’s true, I like other music too, all kinds. Heck, we’re going to see Maiden in the summer and I am psyched. But if I had to pick one music based radio station for eternity, it would probably be the Broadway station on Sirius.

And I am not ashamed.

Ok. I have a question, who do you think is the modern day version of Liza Minnelli? Is it Madonna? In 1972 was Liza considered cool or was she…strictly for the card carrying seniors?

Pee. Or poop.

Gee wizz indeed. It would be fun to work there because you’d get to answer the phone “Gee wizz! How can I direct your call?” Is it strange that I appreciate port-a-potty art? There’s another company that I see around town with a bear running on it and it’s pretty much the funniest cartoon ever.

Would a devout christian be offended by this?

I’m going out shortly for nachos with my home girls.  Well. King’s Crown and wings. And maybe a celebratory beer or two. Nothing like good news from divorce lawyers to fill me with cheer.

Still life with a 6 year old

Posted by Caitlin Jane – 25/03/2010

WHYYYYYY??!!?!!

Assuming it was Ari that set this Ken doll up before she left for vacation…He’s wearing Barbie’s pants, Happy Meal toy mask and one of his own boots on his arm. And I have NO IDEA what it means but I like it.

Pillows I have been tempted by

Posted by Caitlin Jane – 16/03/2010

I actually stared at the first one for a long, long time and thought about a practical joke my parents played on wealthy friends of theirs a million years ago.

pillow 1

The next 2 aren’t as cool, but I can tell you that they are very soft. And tempting. And kind of gross. And not tempting at all.

pillow 2  pillow 3

I was extremely not tempted by this, the final item of today’s excursion. In fact. I stayed a minimum of 2 metres away at all times.

Ooh, la la, tres jolie!

‘Cause ‘hope I find crotchless panties’ is the first thing that pops into your head when you’re browsing at V.V.

Other than these exciting items (which I did not buy), the trip was good because someone had donated an upright piano which was being played by a pre-teen boy. Played? Massacred is more like. Better than screaming babies, which is the usual sound track. Also, if you were wondering, all but the girl with chicks paintings are gone. My blog sold them, I’m guessing. I also found the outer box of Tramacet (a pain killer for moderate to moderately severe pain) being used as a book mark in a book titled “Pain Free Living for Drug Free People”. Makes sense to me.

(And if you were wondering, yes, I did buy something: a couple yards of toile type fabric, cream with a blue print.)

Further adventures at V.V.

Posted by Caitlin Jane – 10/03/2010

You may well be wondering why I go to Value Village so often, and that’s very reasonable. I’m on the hunt for vintage percale sheets. That is ALL. Well, ok, you never know when you really will find a treasure, I also look at hand knit sweaters and for yarn/crafting supplies. I’ve never found anything worth while, because the store is full of this type of win:

Pretty, pretty dress for you.

For real. It’s full length and yours for ONLY $12.99. It’s size 15 and I bet that it’s still there right now if you run quickly NOW.

But wait. There’s this:

Nautical!

Cute, eh? It’s short and made of poly-cotton knit. And it’s a mere $24.99. Srsly. A bally worn out dress that someone probably wore to bed or over their swimsuit for $24.99. Dresses at Winners-NEW DRESSES-average out at the same price. New, pretty dresses that are current styles. Or you could get this:

Grand finale.

This dress not only has stains AND a pull in the fabric right on the front, not only has the seems literally coming apart with threads flapping in the wind, NOT only is 100% polyester, it’s also $24.99.

I actually flagged down an employee to ask her wtf is going on with these insane prices (and there were LOTS of dresses in this one size section with similar insane issues) and she waved me away, don’t bug me ask a manager. Which I did try to do but I was totally distracted by an incredible art collection. I was literally laughing my head off with a huge lineup of people right beside me, my phone out and taking pictures brazenly.

Sorry they’re blurry but I think you get the gist.

Girl with chicks.  La Piete  Rumble in the Jungle

All by the same artist. But here’s my favourite:

Satan! Satan! Satan!

Ho. Lee. Shit. Balls. Can you imagine that hanging in your house? Over your baby’s crib maybe? Oh. I love that painting so much. It belongs in the Museum of Bad Art.  Maybe they all do?

Oh, and in case you’re wondering-because you ARE-how much to bring to buy an original painting?

That’s right.

Don’t worry, they accept all major credit cards there.

The Cockneys are coming

Posted by Caitlin Jane – 23/01/2010

And they need help with conversions, it seems.

ow!

I imagine Dick Van Dyke’s voice as Bert in Mary Poppins.

(I was looking for a picture of an owl. I swear.)

Dumb diddy dumb

Posted by Caitlin Jane – 22/01/2010

Last night, on my way home from quilting class (which, just to be clear, I LOVE!), I was on the bus, headphones deep in my ears blaring Howard Stern when 2 LDS guys got on. I think, if I remember correctly, their names were Elder Brainwashed and Elder Superdoy. Anyway. One leaned towards me and said something that I couldn’t hear because Howard was in the middle of moderating an arguement between Bababooey and that filthy clown guy.  So I pulled a headphone out of one ear and asked him to repeat himself.

“Is that a bag?” he says, gesturing to my-get this-bag.

So I asked him to repeat himeself again and I guess I’d heard him right the first time.

“Is that a bag?”

How does one even answer the world’s stupidest question? It was very difficult to keep the sarcasm at a minimum.

“Yes” says I, slowly. “It IS a bag. I mean, my bag…it’s a bag.” Then I smiled kindly. That kind of dumb you don’t want to anger. Then I put my headphone back in my ear and turned away to discourage more silliness.

Fast forward 24 hours.

After work this evening I was on the subway, minding my own business, knitting and listening to Howard again. A man sits beside me-ok, not beside, but I was facing forward, he was facing sideways, so our knees were pretty much touching-and he’s eating out of a giant bag of movie popcorn. Watching me knit. Then he dropped a popcorn onto his coat without noticing and it tumbled down between us, maybe landing on my boot. No big deal. Then he speaks:

“I bet my popcorn bothers you!” in a playful way but as he says it, a piece flies OUT OF HIS MOUTH, landing on my purse.

It didn’t bother me at all until that exact moment. Thanks.

Amusements

Posted by Caitlin Jane – 28/11/2009

I had a super day: I went to ROM all by myself which is a great way to see everything I want to see without worrying if everyone else is having fun. It was so nice, the Vanity Fair show was wonderful, I love portrait photography. Plus it brought me up to the 4th floor where the gallery of textiles and costumes is, and I love that. Sad, sort of. Our family membership expires on the 30th so this was my last chance to go.

Then I ate at Whole Foods, again, I love it there. I looked around at everything first, then I ate at their hot and cold prepared food bars. SO GOOD. My favourite salad in the world is there, the purple kale with raw beets in an orange vinaigrette (and if any clever people out there have this exact recipe, PLEASE pass it on to me), and I have it with extra beets. Raw beets ftw. And I had some scalloped potatoes and broccoli and quinoa salad and a corn salad. All for almost $10. I also love the bathroom at Whole Foods, not just for the awesome sign on the door and the magical hand dryer, but because they have a thing at the bottom of the door that lets you open it with your foot, rather than dirtying up your hands on the handlebar. Perfect.

Then I went on to a weird designer sale in the basement of a church that had shoes and clothes and stuff but I managed to resist. Then more shopping, gearing up to Xmas.

OH. Then I overheard an awesome conversation at the corner of Bay and Bloor, right outside the Gap store there. An old man begging for money with one of his pants legs rolled up and picking at the most revolting leg ever: purple and drippy, his sock was stained OMG SO GROSS.  A young woman had stopped and was lecturing him “you should cover that up, it’s NASTY!” and he says “well, I don’t got my medication for it” and she says “yeah, well, you should get a bandage or pull your pants down ’cause it’s so NASTY!!!” and I couldn’t help but laugh because she was right, it was about as nasty a leg as I have ever seen. Poor old fella. He looked like this old weirdo that used to shop at the Snail when I worked there.

Anyway, when flying with a 6 year old there are many ways to entertain them, here is just one of thousands: draw on magazines. I think this is a habit I picked up from my sister (who’s birthday it is tomorrow, Happy Birthday Megan!) when I was a kid. It amused the hell out of Ari on our way home from Costa Rica.

magazine art

Poor Jaycee and Elizabeth, we really went crazy on them. Not for any reason either, there just happened to be a lot of clear pictures of them. And you might notice that a couple of faces have been re-drawn to look like daddy. Hee hee!